The Provenance of Highheenn

Back in the days when Beowulf was slamming down big glopping glasses of mead at the local bistro and bemoaning the fact that Grendel was using a good portion of the population as snacks, they spoke a different language.

It was called Old English because everyone knew that the snotty kids in the 20th Century would rather watch MTV than try to figure out what the hell agenbyte of inwit meant, or when it was that folks yclept Beowulf went around ycladd in rocknroll suits of woven metal.

It is from this time of terrifically bad spelling (Internet email and chat may well bring back the Jolly Odd Spelling of Old English) that the onerous and significant title highheenn comes.

The honorific can be traced all the way back to King Olaf the Redolent who some believe was the model for Old King Cole and perhaps Nat "King" Cole. It seems that Olaf, who was a very careless eater, actually ate the four and twenty black birds; fried Cajun style then baked under a crust of mud and straw, and was in a sorry state for very nearly a year and a half. Not only was his stomach extended, what with the birds flying around inside, but his sharp teeth were blunted and developed caverns as big as Carlsbad, New Mexico.

He called for a physician, which by the way they didn't really have in those days, but there was a fellow who wore the hide (pronounced hyde), including the head, jauntily set like the beret of any Basque separatist, of a wolf. According to Bertolt Brecht his name was Alaska Wolf Joe. He was a shame man and he was as competent as any doctor today in the medical arts.

King Olaf pointed his stringy finger at the shame man and said through his puffy mouth containing many a gnarled tooth. "I want heenn!" It turned out that he meant the object of the sentence "him", but with spelling not yet developed where do you think grammar was? Of course, out with grandpa!

"Who, sire?" asked the servers that sat on the stone floor around his curdled robe. "Hheenn!" rumbled the king, "the mmmann over theeree witthh stupid wwollff hhead!" Eventually, after he cuffed his entourage with the back of his hand, he got the point across.

The shame man approached. "Hheenn, sire?" asked the frightened servants. "Yes," said Olaf the Redolent, pleased.

No one really knows why! He could have as easily said Aloha or Goddag or Ciao or just Hey! like they do in Mayberry, but the wily old king chose Japanese for his simple greeting and he said, "Hai, Hheenn!" and pretty much died on the spot. The shame man cast raw chicken eggs in a stone bowl and mixed the entrails of a sheep in with a large stick and was appointed the ruler of the world.

Over the years Hai Heenn has become corrupted to its present Lackzoom Spelling.

Some years ago I was appointed as highheenn and every year when the moon is in the sevendieleventh house and Uranus aligns with mine, I flip a dozen eggs in a bowl and make a great amulet.

If you have any questions, ask the Single or Double Splagg.