Partial Hydrogenation: The Quiet Killer

by Marc Simon

"...oil, water (and may contain Partially Hydrogenated Cottonseed Oil), salt..."
These ingredients among others were listed on the wrapper of the oatmeal raisin cookie included in the snack pack they gave me during my flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Philadelphia.
Interesting, isn't it, the equivocation of the statement, that the cookie "may contain" Partially Hydrogenated Cottonseed Oil. You would think that the manufacturer (I don't say baker) who mass-produced them would know positively one way or the other whether they contained partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil (whatever the hell that is, and I'll get to this even more troubling issue in a moment.). How could they not? They made them. If you or I baked a batch of cookies, we'd damn well know if we put in the flour, the sugar, the nuts, the partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil, and so on. If your dinner guest asked you what was the meat loaf, you wouldn't say, "Well, Charlotte, it may contain bread crumbs and paprika." You'd know. Unless of course you had dinner caterer by the same people who make the airplane cookies.
And which would have been the better option-with or without partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil? If the cookie had contained it, would that have been a good thing? I was happy to read that the cookies contained oats and raisin. I'll take those two ingredients in pretty much anything, except a Martini or sushi. But let's say that in this batch they left out the partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil. Would it have affected the taste, texture, nutritional value or its shelf life? Who knows? I get the feeling they don't want you to know. Partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil may have been a key ingredient. Or I may have been better off without it. It's mystery contained in an enigma wrapped in a cellophane wrapper.
Then there is the second, more disturbing issue. Namely, that the cottonseed oil that may or may not have been included was only "partially" hydrogenated. Why only partially? Did they run out of hydrogen? It's hard to believe that that could happen. Hydrogen, otherwise known as "H" on our periodic chart, is the simplest, lightest, most plentiful gas we have. What's more, two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water, and there wouldn't be any H2O without good old H.
Hydrogen gas is also highly flammable and explosive. You may not be old enough to remember the Hindenburg Blimp disaster, but what do you think the "H" in H-bomb stands for? No, Hydrogen's funny, harmless cousin, Helium (He, as in hee, hee, hee, because of the funny voice you can make when you breath Helium and talk, and because Helium is also the gas of Helium balloons that bring smiles and laughter to countless faces of children of all ages).
Perhaps it's hydrogen's volatility that makes partial hydrogenation safer and more prudent than full hydrogenation when hydrogenating cottonseed oil. However, whether we're talking full or partial, I sincerely hope the Nuclear Regulatory Commission has established clear and stringent guidelines for the hydrogenation process. The risk of spontaneous detonation is almost too frightening to contemplate. Imagine a multi- megaton explosion, with a mushroom cloud of radioactive cookie dough malignantly roaming the Earth.
And speaking of risks, partially or fully hydrogenated cottonseed oil in the hands of terrorists would pose a serious threat to our national security. Some wacko splinter group could lob partially or fully hydrogenated oatmeal raisin cookies like so many chewy, crunchy nuclear hand grenades at the heads of our police and law-abiding citizens. To say nothing of the potential mid-air explosions caused by hungry travelers unwittingly chomping down hard on their oatmeal raisin cookies that have been made-well, may have been made-with fully hydrogenated cottonseed oil.
As much as we all hate government intervention, perhaps it is time for a full congressional investigation of the hydrogenation and partial hydrogenation industries. For too long have these merchants of death continued unabated with their specious recipes and baking practices. We deserve some accountability. Partial answers won't do.

In the movie, Wag The Dog, Robert DeNiro, who plays a special assistant to the President of the United States, asks a CIA agent, played admirably by W.H. Macy (and who could forget his edgy performance as the neurotic car salesman in Fargo?) what precisely he would go to war for, to which Macy replies, "Why, to preserve our way of life." I leave you to draw you own conclusions.